man I love so I survived a japanese game show. that is all.

Being really curious about rewiring myself but also guilty about being self-absorbed in this process.... It all comes to the balance of self-posession versus selflessness. Bangin my head against that wall. On one hand, I know that this is also old mechanisms in action as well as the spawning of new mechanicms ... NNOOOOO>>> BREAK THE CHAKRA ... BURN IT ALL DOWN.

Anyone want my (current) job?

http://portland.craigslist.org/clc/sad/763944560.html

two things i wanted to discuss that formulated in my head on my commute in today.

starbucks. i admit it, i am a starbucks whore. i have no idea when, or how it happened. but i am. i rarely sway from my usual drink other than the size - a venti skim no water chai. god, what happened to me. but i adore my morning drink, it's a part of my ritual. i feel off if i don't have one. other tea doesn't seem to do it for me. i know it's expensive, and and and. but i have yet to find a substitute, and to be honest, i'm not really looking. i need an icon. or a 12 step. or both.

anyways. i have this reusable cup that actually looks like a starbucks cup, but it's a grande. i usually drink more than that. but they don't have one that's bigger, and i don't want to have to buy a new one. so this is my dilemma today, or was this morning. to go green(er) with my already consumer whore experience, or throw it all to the wind and get the venti that i really wanted.

guess what won out? if you guessed i had a dirty reusable cup, you guessed correctly. hey, at least i saved a nickel on top of the cheaper grande cost. :P

---

life choices. something else i easily admit - my life choices are sometimes very atypical, even if most of the people i'm around either share the same choices, or don't really care. specifically, i'm talking mostly about derby, tattoos, piercings, my costuming stuff, etc. i've even had someone give me crap about being a knitter before, as if being too crafty was a crime. a lot of time the people who give me crap are those at work that don't know me very well, or some people i'll meet in some other sort of group setting.

i'm a rather sensitive person in the heart of it all, even though i don't try to be, and a lot of times people will say things without really thinking. i get the following about all of the above on quite a regular basis these days:
-why would you DO that?
-what are you THINKING?
-what will your son think when he grows up?
-i can't wait until you regret that/hurt yourself.

i just don't understand. i try not to judge, but it happens - i'm not foolish enough to think i do not also cast stones. but i guess i don't understand sometimes the absolute failure to see things from another perspective. and it's not the people who are genuinely asking questions that i mind. it's the ones with a hidden agenda, the one that says, NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT DO THOSE THINGS behind what they say. the ones that seem to hope for me to fail because then i will come to my senses, and do something more normal with my time

i do the things i do because i, clearly, find enjoyment in them. and isn't that what we all look for? things that make us happy, that make us more of who we are, and of who we want to be? i have decided i am, more and more, unapologetic about who i am. regardless of what others think. no one has to get on board with me (although i respect my husband enough to discuss major changes to body and activities prior to beginning, of course), and no one has to like the things i do. but i respectfully retain the right to challenge your viewpoint, to not have to explain myself, or to be offended based on how you choose to question who i am.

alex will love me because i am his mother. i hope to teach him that everyone is different, and that differences are to be embraced - not ridiculed, not something to use as a weapon to cut others down. he will know that you can have tattoos and piercings, and still be a stand up, respectable member of society. that girls can also participate in full contact sports and if they break a bone? they heal. just like the boys do. and i can only hope i am strong enough to continue teaching him these things as regularly and consistently as i can muster.

chances are, however, if you're reading this, you are not one of the above.

now, for as much as i love to drive, i don't do it very often. or at least i didn't until after my leave. since chris and i work together, we commute in almost every day. it generally works out pretty well - i knit, he drives. he likes to drive. i like to knit. plus, with a toll road between us and work (at least if we want to get in sometime before 10) it saves us some cash.

well, once the boy goes to daycare (weeping, weeping) in september we'll be most likely going in separately on a more permanent basis. this is both good and bad from my pov (i'm sure husband has his own views :P):

good: it's always nice to have some sing out loud time in the morning and afternoons when you need it
bad: i can't knit anymore in the car, which these days is almost the only time i do
good: having two cars at work will make it much easier to pick up the boy from day care when something comes up for one of us
bad: gas
good: we (read: chris) don't have to wait around for the other when one is ready to go and the other is not
bad: less time to spend with chris

overall, it's not a bad thing. i'll be taking the longer way to work and leaving early, but getting home earlier too. and on days i have derby, chris will probably pick him up. we'll see, we're still working it out.

that all being said, driving lately has been interesting. i got a late start this morning due to alex waking up late, me getting in the shower late, starbucks being a cf, and traffic. it's the traffic i want to talk about. i have a lead foot - this i am unapologetic for. i am safe though, and generally courteous to others - i try not to be that asshole who totally tailgates the joe citizens who decide that even though they are in the fast lane that legally fast is 55/65 and force me to adhere (at least until i can safely get around them).

what REALLY grinds my gears, to borrow the expression from that great sage peter griffin, is two specific things:

1) when i've got cruise control on, and some jackass with a wildly inconsistent speed comes RIGHT UP ON MY ASS and i move over, and then about 2 minutes later i come up on him because he's slowed down now, and he won't move because he earned his right to be in front of me, or some stupid shit like that. WRONG.
2) when people are in the fast lane on their cell phones (which is like, oh, everyone) and they're clearly not focusing on driving. going over the line, again with the inconsistent speed, and they never move over. this type of person almost always, when i go to pass them on the right (yes yes i know), SPEEDS UP when they see me try to pass, like "OH WAIT I WANTED TO BE GOING FASTER THAN YOU" and i reminded them. only to have them slow right the hell down after my apparent threat to their man/womanhood in the form of passing them has subsided.

it alternately amuses me and frustrates me. this morning it's the latter, but mostly because of some other frustrations. if i have a moment, i want to get into those later. it always helps me to work things out in text rather than in the jumbled pile of mess i call my brain.

(It's becoming that type of blog.)

Tonight we took Punk out to Red Robin. We decided a while back that Punk has a big love for Red Robin. Basically, when Punk was particularly difficult to take out due to reflux and fussiness and an inability to sit unassisted (so no high chair, but she hated the car seat and she was getting too squirmy to hold) we had to eat somewhere on the way home from the airport and there was a Red Robin, so we went. And she didn't puke, and drank her whole bottle, and was really happy. The next day we drove past another Red Robin on the way home from my grandparents' place and we stopped there and the same thing. So we gave Punk a sick fascination with Red Robin.

One opened up at the local mall and every time we've tried to go it has been PACKED. We went early enough today (after a little romp through the mall where I just HAD to buy Punk a pair of jeans from H&M that had a rainbow belt) that we were able to get in fairly quickly and Punk was amused by everything, including balloons.

Today was the first day we actually ordered a kids' dinner for her (chicken and cheese quesadilla, but we didn't hand it to her, we pulled it apart) and a kids' milk and it was so crazy to go to a restaurant and order a meal for my kid! My kid, who is old enough to eat a meal. And for the record, she ate half of the quesadilla and all of the mandarin orange sections (she'd never had those before - LOVED them), at least half of the milk, and before dinner she ate most of a snack trap full of Kix because it kept her content in the stroller at the mall (too hot for Ergo).

Dear God, when did she get so BIG?

Jen is taking teacher certification tests all day, so Punk and I are riding solo. (Well, I guess we can't be solo if we're together, but you know.) It's been a pretty chill day considering Ms. Punk is a veritable drool factory and some tooth/teeth is/are on the horizon, looming. She's got a big bulge on her bottom right side that I originally thought was a molar but now think might be a canine, and she's got something on the top left that I think is trying to drop in as well. She doesn't let me in her mouth enough to know what's up on the other side. But she's been requiring near-constant cosleeping these days and has been pretty restless, although last night was better.

This morning we took a long walk down to downtown E'ton. The original plan (once I got going) was to walk to this cute little Cafe Ralphine that I have never checked out, maybe get a little iced coffee and split a muffin with Punk before walking back. Except that when we got there it was 8:30 and they didn't open until 9, so we walked back. I can't believe she spent an hour in the stroller with no fuss - NEVER happens. Usually I get around the corner from my house before she makes noise to get out. Maybe it was the busy roads, no idea. Either way, when we got back it was hot and humid, and we were sweaty and did not have a muffin. Sad. Also, whatever I was thinking when I walked for an hour in flip flops was way off base. Aah well.

Got home, got her down for a morning nap (her predictable hour), ate a little breakfast, put diapers in the dryer, fun fun times. When she got up, I thought about taking her somewhere, perhaps for lunch, but decided against it and instead we have had a lazy day at home, playing and laughing a lot and just being goofy in general. Punk has taken to putting things on her head which cracks us both up, and she did a lot of good playing with the shape sorter, ring stacker, and blocks (I am determined to teach her to stack blocks). She also threw a lot of toys and drooled like a faucet. Fun!

Lunch was a little stressful thanks to Little Miss Throwing-Food-Is-Fun. Man, I wish I had a dog so I didn't have to waste time in my life trying to sweep up couscous and green beans and lentils. We also had fun letting her spoon-feed herself some applesauce; she is way into trying to spoon-feed these days. A little more playing and then the afternoon nap, which gave me time to make some lunch (yay!). I made a box of mac and cheese and slipped some into a container for her dinner. She will be pleasantly surprised.

I sent Jen a text message somewhere around 10:30 or 11am. I know that she can't have her phone on during the tests but I also know there was a break in between so I'm not really sure what is up. I haven't heard anything from her since she left around 7am.

I swear to God my kid just said 'baby.' I was looking at Flickr to fill out one of the silly Friday Surveys from the Due Date Community and she cruised on down the couch and said, "bah beh." And she was looking right at the pictures of herself!

She will probably never do it again, but I'm calling 'baby.'

Also, I have this ancient wooden case filled with cassette tapes. (Because you never know when you might still need The Stop The Violence Movement's "Self Destruction" cassette single, you know? Or maybe the first couple of Indigo Girls albums? Or The Muppet Movie soundtrack?) Punk just now discovered how to open it (it's kind of like a roll-top desk) and pull out the tapes. She just held one up in the air and had a very triumphant look a la Braveheart.

FREEDOM!!!!!! (Now put my guts back in.)

She woke up at 1:16pm.

One hour and five minutes after she fell asleep.

I don't understand it. She napped for - wait for it - four and a half hours at day care yesterday. FOUR AND A HALF HOURS! From 9 - 11:30, then ate lunch, played for a bit, and slept from 1:30 to 3:20.

WTF, people?

Our 19 cases of Against the Giants set arrived today; I cut my workday short to go home and receive the shipment of stuff.

Out of 2 cases I had bought for myself, I received a nearly complete spread of what I wanted to have. This is good!

Another good thing was that the gallery of the set showed less well-painted miniatures: some of these look much, much better as live versions. The Elder Red Dragon and Elder White Dragon need some repainting touches, though. *mutter*

Somebody wouldn't take a nap this morning. Someone named Punk. She got up a little later than normal thanks to an ounce of milk that she left in her wee hours of morning bottle - I slipped it to her at 6:30 and she fell back asleep for another 40 minutes or so. Awesome. But she was rubbing her eyes and yawning and clearly tired for her normal naptime of 9ish and I set about to put her to bed. After an hour of trying everything - swaddling, no swaddling, rocking, no rocking, paci, no paci, letting her jabber in the crib until it turned to screaming and "mum mum mum mum" - I got her back up and said, "Okay, let's go play." And she did, she totally held it together until lunch (11:30) and proceeded to get a little crabby when I was cleaning up lunch but nothing too major.

And she just went down for a nap in approximately 8 seconds. I have hopes that she will sleep a long time to make up for the lack of morning nap, but I am not putting any stock in those hopes because I will undoubtedly be shot down in an hour when she is awake and screaming because she has missed me.

Perhaps I should make some lunch while I have this blissful break. I was counting on that morning nap, you know? Fried.

~//~

p.s. Thank you for all of the suggestions for the child care thing. I'm a little leery of moving Punk to a center for last minute child care for a couple of reasons (1. she's a really routine-oriented kid and I wouldn't want to stress her out, and 2. she's not fully vaccinated) although I would consider the substitute-nanny route (rexlezard especially, seeing as he knows Punk and is a whiz with kids). We'll probably end up just taking the days off because I am Anal Psycho Mom... I already cleared it with my boss who said I could borrow against time off I don't have yet or take it unpaid, whichever I'd prefer. So maybe I will take a couple of days especially since August 12 is Punk's neurologist appt and I was going to be there anyway. Who knows?

going to practice tonight at the dsp - i like that some of them are not in bfe (although, to be honest, it's me that's in bfe, not the practices :P).

other than that, thing are well. the house is a disaster, or at least it is for my standards. i need a few days of nothing going on (hahahahahahahaha) to get it in order. i'd like to have people over, but no way in the current state.

i've got lots of new pictures and info on alex up on our family blog, at www.turnerhq.com. i stopped really discussing him here (and there too when i went back to work, ha) but he's doing awesome. he's still got some challenges, but who doesn't? it will just make him more tough. i need to update there today. maybe later.

other than this, i don't have much to say. at least right now.

Been thinking about how in a culture of boom and bang silence is such a stronger more solid reality. There is no soundtrack but the crunch of the feet, the voice's echo, the sound of the wind at night, the silence after the act.

Her: Why do you always fall for the Spartans?

Me: ...Can you blame me?

• 10:59 Another beautiful day wasted at work. #
• 11:36 Ooh! Free tuna sub at work, yay! #

LoudTwitter. As if I needed more wastes of time.

So a while ago, our day care provider let me know that she needs to close on July 31st because her son is having some sort of outpatient surgery. Totally understandable. I don't know what we're going to do (likely Jen will stay home), but understandable.

Today she let me know that she's taking vacation the week of August 11. I have NO idea what the heck we're going to do. I don't get any time off for 90 days, though I can probably arrange for one day of unpaid leave, maybe two although that will probably suck hard (and not be ideal for the j-o-b). But I don't know anyone who could provide reliable childcare for an entire week! ARGH.

This effing sucks.

despite being exhausted
despite still working on getting in shape
despite it being a year since using some of the skills i had to use
despite my self doubt and my fear

i did it.

i've waited a year to pass this test. :) and the best part is that the real challenge has only started. man these girls work hard, and i'm proud to be given a chance to work along side them.

next step: get better. :)

• 23:03 The child, she just ate 1/4 pint of blueberries and 4oz cow milk. I dread that poop. #
• 11:59 Why do I even pack a lunch? I never get back to the office to eat it! Grrrr. #
• 12:00 Also, getting sick of fast food. #

LoudTwitter. As if I needed more wastes of time.

sunday i went to derby practice - i've been skating on my own, but this was the first sunday i managed to not be sick or on vacation for. i was afraid for nothing - it was hard, that was true. but what's worth doing that's not hard in some way? it was an awesome day, and mizunakat even came too (and did a fantastically awesome job).

tonight is the safety assessment - the league has three levels from the joining perspective:

-minor meat (where i am now): you skate at sunday practice, no fees, work on things on your own time that you learn on sunday's.
to graduate from this, you take what's called the safety assessment. this involves basic skills, and generally proving you won't totally bail off the skate and hurt someone during a larger style practice.
-fresh meat: small dues to cover practice space, can practice indoor with the league.
to graduate from this, you need to take the wftda test, and be deemed ready to take it as well i'm sure
-league member!

i'm nervous about tonight, but at the same time give myself about a 50/50 chance of passing. i know i can do almost everything on the list (jumping and grapevines i'm still sort of not that great at) but i would have loved at least another week to practice. if i don't pass, so be it - it'll show me what to work on for next time. i've waited a year to be able to do this - win or lose, i'm just excited to be doing it, especially since i know that if i don't pass this time, next time i will for certain.

the only thing i'm really worried about is that i've developed dequervain's tenosynovitis - which is basically wrist tendonitis specifically at the base of my thumb, on my right wrist, and is often seen in new mothers - it hurts almost all the time like a bitch. i'm worried about doing my falls on that hand, but i'll just load up on motrin before going. all i can do! can you wish people luck in sports? i know i don't want a broken leg, so don't wish that! ha!